I to the Philosophy Library Came

I went to reclaim what is mine
I walked roads I did not know
I braced myself against the cold
And stepped inside

The halls were just as I saw them last
The people still strangers
Except for one friend from long, long ago
Joyous and startling, like stumbling onto a benign shadow

I went to reclaim what is mine
I sat down at the table
I had all I needed but did not feel prepared
I was mostly silent and tried not to give my name

They around me did not speak
Walls shattered, fears crumbled, doors opened
A strange and somber, still homecoming
To a place I had never before been alone

Traversing treacherous terrain, the warm sun chilled me
Cement walkways became vast mountain passes
Trees seemed to bar my way with rustling branches
Streets were moats where morose memories languished
Blindly I pressed on, directionless on my way

I ignored the screams that echoed across my mind’s harsh landscape
These screams I used to make, when all I knew was torn away
When I lost who I was, and all my love
I learned to live the lie that I was nothing

My dreams, I’d dashed in bewildered anguish
Contemptuous and indignant, disillusioned, full of pain
And when the ground below my feet sloped down, before rising up again
As if a tiny valley secretly sang its presence there
I left all that haunted me behind in that small remnant of ravine

I went to reclaim what is mine
I took the steps one by one
And walked inside
And sat at their table

I went to reclaim what is mine
I returned triumphant, exhausted, grateful
At home again I met all those who watched me soar
And knew that I was welcome, able


4 thoughts on “I to the Philosophy Library Came

  1. This experience, it seems to me was your real graduation, your real initiation. Bravo, my daughter, for your courage, perseverance, passion and soulful heart. You have done well.

    Sent from my iPad


  2. Thanks, mom! I wish I felt like that at the moment, but the idea of having to talk with my committee is making me relive everything. I wish I could say I was stronger than that. This experience brought me halfway, but I still have to return to the desert and face everyone who tried to make me small. Earlier this morning I couldn’t breathe, but now I’m starting to get that defiant look in my eyes again and I think it’s going to be arduous and humbling and I could still get really really hurt, but I can never forget that it’s my right to be here, I can never buy into the lie that I am small, I am determined to shine and not let anyone take that light for themselves or try to take it away or change who I am to belong. I have to remind myself I don’t need to be just like them to pass my dissertation. That doesn’t mean that I don’t panic everytime I get an email from them and worry they won’t like anything I have to say. They do decide my future.

  3. thank you, the article and the true happiness rays began to warm hearts, when we share it with sincerity. Greetings from Gede Prama 🙂

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