Last night I rocked you in my arms,
To the rhythm of the question which I ask with every heartbeat, why?
Did I think silence would answer me,
When I wondered aloud whether it was my fault?
Into the darkness you fell and could not rise,
Covered by a blanket of night without stars,
So do I run after you like a spark,
Or leave you behind without a word?
Crawling under the curtain between worlds,
Passed the water drip of time,
As if I could find within myself, still breathing,
You buried within the hollow hills of grieving.
Unable to defend your small fragile body,
You cry out for shelter, you almost died crying.
I am unable to notice the hands that reach out,
Convinced that, as before, my tears will banish me.
The infant with your perfect eyes and hands,
How can I conceive of you as my beginning?
If I was stronger, perhaps I could recover your memory,
But like an island, uncoordinated, that has lost it’s place within its map,
I wandered off into the mist, directionless,
And lost myself beneath the waves.
What am I doing here,
Convinced I don’t deserve the sunrise I won’t see?
How will I love, accept, and mend
The imperfect pieces left to me?
Again I will water the seeds of our growing,
Despite my anger, in knowing it is most likely too late.
Because I tried to heal
But merely broke apart, revealing
Sleepless dreams I tried to hide,
Someone else’s hope, so long ago denied.
Before giving into my unknowing
Of where, and if at all, I’ll stand,
I return your bright six-month-old smile
That has not yet known the cruelties of the world.
Faced with what I could have, ought to have been,
Our eyes lock and then
I let go, the girl who lived,
In relief, great tides, wash over me.
And so I shout a reckless challenge to the wind,
From a place that has no name, what might become of me I just don’t care,
I stare into the face of death until it blinks,
And I know now we do not die, there is nothing left to fear
For the sight child who never woke up,
I return for who I was, ever safely keep you near.
And now, once more in sunlight, though we did not travel far,
Dear child open your eyes, awaken to all you are.