Tag Archives: old age

The End: Fairy Tales Gone Awry

We’re taking a break from usual content today to bring you a large dose of ridiculousness, humor, and absurdity. As I am currently a very, very stressed out grad student, I happily present to you … in the style of pointedly pure procrastination … a diversion. So laugh, cry, or do whatever else you were planning on doing today and have fun!

You’ve heard all the old fairy tales and stories about superheroes before. But here is what your mother never told you:

In her old age, Bat woman decided to stop taking life so seriously and just wing it.

A much older Superman admitted the joker was right in one respect, and from then on laughed at his mistakes on the fly.

On the day the ex-men and Zoro crossed paths, they traded conversation and ideas. Zoro left convinced of the power of fighting tooth and nail, and the X men began representing themselves with the sign of the Z.

An aged Rapunzel refused to let a bad hair day get her down.

Snow White sat with her grandchildren enraptured at her feet as she told them of her childhood. “It’s not true what they say, that a bad apple ruins the whole bunch,” she concluded. “After all, I learned, didn’t I, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

An elderly Hansel and Gretel sat at the table having dinner together. At one point Gretel turned to her brother and said, “There’s something I need to tell you. You’re the only living relative I have, and I can’t keep this a secret any longer.” “What is it?” her brother asked encouragingly. “I’ve grown to be more spiritual in my old age. I’m learning to become a witch.” Hansel was quiet for a long time. Finally he said, “hmmm. Well in that case I don’t think I’ll be having any more chicken tonight, thanks.” “Not that kind of witch!” Gretel laughed. “Oh forget it, I must be getting old,” Hansel grumbled irritably, “Could you remind me again which witch is which?”

After Goldie Locks went through two nasty divorces, she had an epiphany. Of course! She said to herself, I should choose my next man in the same way I chose which chair to sit in in the house of the three bears: not too big, not too small, but just right.

Cinderella’s face was ashen as she held the hand of her dying Prince Charming, now in his eighties. “Do you have any last requests of me, dear?” she asked solumnly. “Yes,” he said, his eyes serious and cloudy, “Live the rest of your life to the fullest. Tend the hearth of your heart and don’t let it burn out. And remember, if the shoe fits, wear it.”

After Rumpelstiltskin stomped and fell, unconscious, through the queen’s floor, he landed in her private indoor garden, was mistaken for a garden gnome, dressed in a ridiculous outfit, and taken to kindergarten by a servant’s daughter for show and tell. After that, babies just never had the same appeal: and he always checked before leaving on a nepharious mission that he had the right floor plan…

On her deathbed, Sleeping Beauty admitted that her waking life was not nearly as interesting as the dreams she had from age sixteen until her prince woke her up. “Ah perchance to dream,” she said longingly of the possible life she might have after death, “I wish I never had to kiss it all goodbye in the first place.”

The aging ex-wife of Bluebeard wanted to take the car to get groceries.
“You look fretful my dear,” her loving second husband observed, “Is there anything I can do?” “My keys!” his wife cried in distress, “I can’t remember where I put them. I had them in my hand just a minute ago. I can’t leave without them.”

The little match girl was actually taken into the warm house before freezing to death. Much much later, at ninety-five, she died from heart failure and exhaustion. “Her body was just burned out,” the doctor told her grieving family.

Ariel the mermaid, now no longer little in any respect, turned to her loving husband and asked, “Remember our wedding day when I finally found my voice and you said you would love me for all time?” “Ah dear, I do,” her husband replied. After a thoughtful pause he added, “You were so beautiful that day. The whole event went swimmingly.”

Spider Man was called back from the waiting room at the doctor’s office. “I’m sorry to tell you this,” the doctor said soothingly, “But we’ve confirmed a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. You will slowly lose your memory until your grasp on reality is hanging by a thread.” “Oh, that’s all? Well if that’s the case I can handle it,” Spider Man replied with confidence.

Dorothy passionately espoused that there was no place like home. Then she got married, adopted a rescued dog, a stray cat, and two rabbits … and had three children…

The ugly duckling learned he was a swan. After that, he started making money treating psychological patients—until he was exposed as a quack.

Beauty was talking with a friend after her husband’s funeral. “How are you doing?” asked the concerned friend. “Terribly,” Beauty confessed. “They served roast beast at the funeral reception.”

“Where do babies come from?” a grandchild innocently asked Mother Goose. “I don’t know,” the old goose answered honestly, “But I’ll take a gander and find out.”

A not so little, aging Red Riding Hood was asleep in her bed. Suddenly the door swung open and an irritatingly gregarious youthful grandchild bounced into the room. “Grandma! Grandma! I’ve come to visit!!!” the little girl screamed. “Arrrrrrrrrrggggg.!” Came the reply from the bed, as Red Riding Hood opened her mouth, revealing fang-like dentures. “Grandma, what big teeth you have!” the little girl cried. “The better to eat you with my dear,” her grandma snarled, her dentured mouth contorting into an eerie grimice. With a shreak the frightened grandchild ran out of the house and back into the woods. Yawning, her grandmother promptly fell back asleep. Peace restored, she thought smugly, as she drifted off.

Last Words of a Wild One (For Oscar)

No more our four, I am going to die
Tonight, the Stars shine brilliantly
Must I so watch the twilight of my day?
A triumphant fight, from earth I fly.

Now as fragile as a feather falling,
I who once was hard as rock,
Chose to stand beneath the sun
And sought to shine with all my heart.

If only I could know for sure
The promise of my yesterday’s fulfilled
Before I fade into a thought,
Before I join the voices on the wind.

Already, grey winds whisper
Of what I would and am
O’er the field on which I linger
They sing of bones that built this land.

So softly now I’ll go,
Few trees remain
For rare the water flows,
But for the blood that falls like rain.

Don’t let this end with nothing to convey
Dare you essay to explain,
Repay me with some thoughtful things I’d say
Had I but seen old age, learned life’s refrain.

Would I had time to say goodbye, to long
Bring back these things, my love, my name,
And put no end on my life’s song
For surely we will meet again.

Through The Looking Glass

Child searches for one who loves,
Child watches, child searches,
Darkness falling, between them falling,
Love and child once more parting,
Leaving always, always leaving,
Waiting there where naught remains.

Waiting out the darkness, darkness taking
Loved one away, love eclipsed by shadow,
Shutting out the world surrounding,
Child lost, in lonely light wandering.

And though a new world child’s gaining,
And though otherlove, crosses, reaching,
To the other side of waiting,
Child’s loss is overpowering,
Child’s world will never be the same.

Old one searches for one who loves,
Searches, searching,
Love and old one parting, leaving,
Once more leaving, once more wandering,
Through darkness wandering though naught remains.

Darkness falling, darkness shutting
Out old one’s world,
Til blindly stumbling,
Ever waiting, ever wondering,
Old now,  in dreams calling,
Old dreams come calling.

No answer falling, only falling,
And wait for the door, for the bridge of crossing,
The known world now away is falling,
Vales between the worlds are parting.

Another world is there in waiting,
The world beyond the world there waiting,
A homecoming made from the departed,
Into a world that will never be the same.

The cycle turning and returning,
Hoping light can ease my yearning,
Dare I dream of no more leaving,
Belonging to the vast and living,

Giving voice to love and sending
All that darkness swiftly fleeing,
The whole of it, the opposite of all that’s fleeting,
Hoping to rekindle what remains.

Longing, hoping beyond all reason,
Wondering upon this turn of season,
Could pain, come passing by, elude me,
And wandering no more course through me,
As if the rhythm of no place knew me
Pulsing like my blood through veins.

That the seeds of sorrow I might evade,
That of joy and laughter my life be made,
And of separation I be not afraid,
If I ever do come ’round again.

Cycles turning and returning,
Young and old as bookends  yearning,
Birth and death two  mirrors facing,
A patterned reflection, traced, retracing,
Wondering if aught had changed.

This time when the door swings outward,
This time open, outward turning,
With child’s eyes upon returning,
May darkness wait and keep on waiting,

May nothing but wonder, joy of learning,
From dawn to dusk be within me growing,
May the world so whole and ever knowing
Be the whole of what remains.

And then once more the world beholding,
Child once more, from earth unfolding,
May none but love see to my enfolding,
The light that all sustains.